AntiSocialSocialite

On ethiopian food and abortion and politics

2006-11-02T06:41:00.000-08:00

I'm away from home right now attending the biggest conference in my research area, as are most of the people in my research group. It's a fun time, and we are learning a lot and schmoozing with just the right people (or at least we hope so).

One of the coolest parts of this type of trip is that I get to know my co-workers better, because we just can't talk about computer security 24/7 (ok... some of them can, but i can't :-) ). Any way, so onto the point.

Last night, I had some really fantastic Ethiopian food. I really love ethnic food and trying new things and Ethiopian is a great social meal because you are supposed to share. So share we did. We ordered all vegetarian options because one of the people we were eating with was vegetarian. It was fantastic. After dinner I was talking to one of my office mates about it and I remembered this thing I once read about worship. It compares contemporary worship (or how contemporary worship should be) to Ethiopian food and traditional worship to a salmon sandwich (why salmon... I couldn't tell you). So I told him, which opened up the religion can of worms (silly me). He and I are both Christians and very devout but yet complete opposites (sort of like mac vs. pc). We have talked about religion briefly before, but I sort of put a moratorium on the topic because we disagree about everything. So I start trying to remind him of the moratorium, but he presses. He things that maybe we aren't so different after all.

He tries to prove his point by asking me my stance on Abortion (phrased: You're pro-life right?). I responded to him that that wasn't a theological question. He did the confused head tilt and said, of course it is, so I proceed to tell him that I don't believe the government should have the right to mandate faith-type questions. I know the issue often comes down to when life begins, but we have so scientific evidence of exactly the moment life begins partly because it comes down to the question of what qualifies life, which incidentally requires determining what life is. Anyway, I told him that asking me my stance on the political issue of abortion wasn't a valid question because (like a good libertarian/paleo-con) I think it boils less down to faith and more down to what you think the government should be allowed to mandate. I mean, not to say that faith shouldn't play into our political beliefs, but to say that our political beliefs shouldn't play into our faith.

It was a fun conversation and ended before it turned unpleasant.

The point of the cross isn't forgiveness

2006-10-27T09:54:00.000-07:00

My church here has a student run midweek service every week. I've been involved in it almost as long as I've been here at Grad School. I give 1 message a semester and this was my week. I thought I would go ahead and post the message here for all the world to see.

This midweek has been very difficult for me to put together. I challenged myself to do a midweek on something I have been struggling with because it will forced me to work through it. It was challenging for me to write, I hope it is challenging for you to hear. Please join me in prayer.

Father,

I pray that you are with us here tonight and that your words are heard, either through me, or in spite of me. May the words of my mouth and then meditation of all of our hearts be acceptable I your sight, Oh Lord, our Rock and our Redeemer. Amen

Over the last year or so, I’ve been doing a lot of reading, specifically of book that challenge the status quo and many things that we were taught in Sunday School. They have affected me a great deal. They have both challenged and broadened my understanding of God, the Bible, Christianity, religion and the essence of our relationship with the divine.

One of the most outward effects of all of this reading is that I have a new favorite holiday. I used to love Easter. As I grew as a Christian, Easter became increasingly important to me. Easter, being the celebration of God’s triumph over death and our salvation, was the highlight of my year. I truly was an Easter person. I’m not anymore. Now I am a Christmas person. I have recently come to understand the great importance of Christ’s life. So to me his life has become so much more important then his death. Understanding what his life meant has begun to shape who I am as a Christian. So, naturally, I’m beginning to understand again the great importance of the celebration of his life.

One of the important things Christ taught about is The Kingdom of God/Kingdom of Heaven (which I incidentally saw modernized as “The God Movement”). Jesus said “The kingdom is at hand,” like its coming, to be here on earth. In fact, John 4:17 in The Message says: “This Isaiah-prophesied sermon came to life in Galilee the moment Jesus started preaching. He picked up where John left off: ‘Change your life. God's kingdom is here.’”. This makes me think that maybe the kingdom isn’t a place we go to but instead something that comes to us. This is contrary to what many people think of when they hear “Kingdom of God,” or “Kingdom of Heaven” because many people think of heaven, or the place we go to when we die. Consider with me that perhaps the “Kingdom of God,” this God Movement, isn’t only the place we go when we die, but a phenomenon that exists, or could exist, here on earth. And consider that as Children of God, we are called to be part of this “God Movement,” bringing the Kingdom here. If this is the case, Christ’s teachings about the kingdom have a new meaning. He is teaching us not only how to live in the kingdom as people of “the Movement” but also how to bring that kingdom here so that it has power over all the earth. I find this whole idea very exciting. It means there is way more to belief then just Salvation! At least not salvation in the normal sense.

To explore this, lets us consider John 3:16, a verse that I have struggled a lot with in the past. This oft memorized verse is usually said “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.” Most people, when they hear this verse think immediately about “life after death.” But if God’s Kingdom is on earth, is it really about “life after death?” Brian McLaren puts it this way in Secret Message of Jesus:

This conversation [between Jesus and Nicodemus] unfolds in the third chapter of John’s gospel. Interestingly, John almost never uses the term “kingdom of God” (which is at the heart of Jesus’ message for Matthew, Mark, and Luke). There are two exceptions, both of which occur in this unique conversation. Instead, John normally uses a phrase that is notoriously hard to render in English. Most commonly, John’s translation of Jesus’ original phrase is rendered “eternal life” in English. Unfortunately, the phrase eternal life is often misinterpreted to mean “life in heaven after you die” --- As are kingdom of God and its synonym, kingdom of heaven --- so I think we need to find a better rendering.

If “eternal life” doesn’t mean “life after death,” what does it mean? Later in John’s Gospel, Jesus reduces the phrase simply to “life,” or “life to the full.” Near the end of John’s account, Jesus makes a particularly fascinating statement in a prayer, and its as close as we get to a definition: “This is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom [God has] sent” (John 17:3). So here, “eternal life” means knowing, and knowing means an interactive relationship. In other words, “This is eternal life, to have an interactive relationship with the only true God and with Jesus Christ, his messenger.” Interestingly, that’s what a kingdom is too: an interactive relationship one has with a king, the king’s other subjects, and so on.

Anyway, what does this tell use about John 3:16? No translation captures this as well as one done by a famous Computer Scientist, Don Knuth, as part of a study he did studying all of the 3:16’s in the Bible. His translation reads: “Yes, this is how God loved the world: He gave his only Child; So that all People with faith in him can escape destruction and live a full life, now and forever.” There are some important, subtle distinctions here that I won’t go into. I leave, for example, the difference between belief and faith as an exercise for the listener.

Anyway, this concept of Christ’s life being about having a full life leaves me asking 2 questions.

First, if His life is about teaching us to bring his kingdom and live full lives, why did he have to die? And second, why was he raised from the dead?

Or, if Christ’s death isn’t about salvation, and life after death, what is it about?

I think there are many important things about Christ’s death. First, Christ, who truly lived a full life, showed this by submitting fully to God’s will, all the way to his death. As Christians, we should also submit fully to God’s will in our lives. We shouldn’t “just believe”, but truly have faith.

One could also parallel the sacrifice of Christ with Abraham’s “sacrifice” of Issac. God wished to test Abraham’s commitment to and love for him by asking him to sacrifice his son. In the same way, God showed his love and commitment to the world by sacrificing his only sun that fateful day on the cross

There is one more important meaning of the death on the cross that I want to talk about tonight (there are many more then what I have talked about tonight). Christ sacrifice frees us from sin. This is essential for leading full lives. Why is that? Because carrying around the burden of sin literally drags us down. Sin builds up a wall between us and God. This impedes our relationship with God, which is an essential part of life to its fullest extent. So because of Christ’s death, we have been freed from sin so that we might truly live. In Romans 6:1-14, Paul says:

“What then are we to say? Should we continue in sin in order that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin go on living in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? Therefore we have been buried with him by baptism into death, so that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be destroyed, and we might no longer be enslaved to sin. For whoever has died is freed from sin. But if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. The death he died, he died to sin, once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore, do not let sin exercise dominion in your mortal bodies, to make you obey their passions. No longer present your members to sin as instruments of wickedness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and present your members to God as instruments of righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.”

Which provides a good transition to the 2^nd question, “Why was Christ raised again?” One reason for this that Paul touches on is that in Christ’s resurrection, we see a new life after we die from sin, a life of righteousness. Also, in raising Christ, God showed that he has dominion over death. Christ’s resurrection also shows that God’s work on the earth didn’t just end with his death. Just as Christ continued to have life so does his work. His resurrection reminds us that Christ’s work continues, even today.

I’d like to close my message tonight with a passage from Rob Bell’s book Velvet Elvis which summarizes this all pretty well.

The point of the cross isn’t forgiveness. Forgiveness leads to something much bigger: restoration. God isn’t just interested in covering over our sins; God wants to make us into the people we were originally created to be. It is not just the removal of what’s being held against us; it is God pulling us into the people he originally had in mind when he made us. This restoration is why Jesus always orients his message around becoming the kind of people who are generous and loving and compassionate. The goal here isn’t simple to not sin. Our purpose is to increase the shalom in this world, which is why approaches to the Christian faith that deal solely with not sinning always fail. They aim as the wrong thing. It is not about what you don’t do. The point is becoming more and more the kind of people God had in mind when we were first created.

It is one thing to be forgiven; it is another thing to become more and more and more and more the person God made you to be.

Banker for the Poor

2006-10-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

Today, my Bangladeshi officemate said to me as I came and she headed out, "We won the nobel prize!" To which I responded "Yeah, I saw that! I thought of you when I noticed it but I didn't read much about it yet." We proceeded to have a conversation, albeit brief about Muhammad Yunus, the so called "Banker for the Poor." This guy has done some amazing things! He pioneered the concept of "microcredit," which are tiny loans (usually averaging $200) to help poor enterupenurs get stated. His very first microloans were to a set of weavers in Bangladeshi villiage to help them purchase bamboo so make stools. Overtime they were able to pay him back, but the concept caught. He now runs Grameen which continues to lend small amounts of money to get people off on the right foot. 96% of his lenders are women.

I am totally inspired by this man. What an incredible bottom up way to help people "learn to fish."

I wish i was there

2006-10-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

I'm very much having a "I wish I was somewhere else" sort of day.

Three place I wish I was:

But instead in GradSchool town listening to Bruce Schneier talk about Privacy.

He ends the talk concerning user interfaces and privacy. Its cool.

liberal theology

2006-09-18T11:40:00.000-07:00

I'm tried so I'm not going to say much except read Joel Thomas's post on liberal theology. The list of 22 points about what liberal christians believe is a good one!

Great post Joel!

Hat Tip: post-methodist

Seriously offended

2006-09-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know I am the president of a United Methodist Student Organization. As a result, I get lots of e-mails about things going on around campus, some directed to all the presidents and some directed specifically to Christian/religious groups. Today, for the first time, I received an e-mail that I was truly offended by. The following e-mail came from a pro-life organization on campus:

Subject: Come support Jesus and babies!
Message:
Hello friends,

You are receiving this e-mail because you are listed on the RSO website as the contact person for a Christian group on campus. , founder and president of a pro-life organization on campus, alerted us to an event on campus that is startling and insulting to Christianity. Here is the text of his e-mail:

"Planned Parenthood, the largest abortion provider in the US, recently hired a national chaplain, Rev. Dr. Ignacio Castuera, to try to gain Christian support. This week, the planned parenthood of GradSchoolTown is having their annual "Gala," a dinner that costs $75, on campus and they're inviting this national 'chaplain' to be the keynote speaker.

We're organizing a peaceful protest outside a campus building where the gala will take place. Several other groups will be involved since Christian groups are upset that there is a 'chaplain' supporting abortion.

People will start showing up for this at 6pm so we want to be there by 5:50 and stay until about 7 when people will probably stop showing up. If you are interested, there will be a group of people meeting on the quad side of the union at 5:45 to walk over there. You can come and go as you need to. Please make signs and come to peacefully show our disagreement and let them know that GradSchool is a pro-life campus.

Please stop by if you have the chance, because this is the NATIONAL chaplain, not just local one. He deserves a national protest. It would be great to have you all there!"

Again, this will be a peaceful protest. Please pass this information on to your organization. We'd love to see as many people as possible out there praying and speaking up for the little ones who can't yet speak for themselves.

Thank you so much!

For Life,

I'm offended by this e-mail on multiple levels. The immediate thing that bothers me is the implication that just because I'm the president of a Christian organization (or a member of a Christian organization for that matter) means that you are pro-life. I am pro-choice and I have been for a very long. This belief doesn't make me any less Christian than if I were pro-life. I would struggle a lot if I was every in the unfortunate situation to need/desire an abortion. In fact, I highly doubt I would get one. That being said, I think the government has no right to tell people whether someone can get an abortion. Anyway, that's only the first thing that offends me about this letter.

The second thing I'm offended by about this letter is the fact that the word Chaplin is quotation marks. Why is this? Apparently planned parenthood isn't allowed to have a Chaplin? Or worst yet, because he doesn't count as a Chaplin because its for an organization like planned parenthood. Its almost as if God would support such an appointment so giving him a religious title is apparently an insult to this particular pro-life organization.

All that being said, I will admit that I sit in the minority of Christians in my pro-choice stance. Additionally, Jesus called us to protect the innocent, so I certainly understand why one's religious convictions would lead them to attend such a protest.

I sort of wish I could afford a $75 plate at this event, and I don't think that makes me any less Christian then those who choose to stand on the picket line.

Antiterror?

2006-08-24T09:44:00.000-07:00

This morning as I'm having a hard time being motivated to do work so I was killing time reading blogs. Recently I added Bruce Schneier to my blog roll. Today he posted the text of an article he had written for Wired Magazine about how terrorism has been affecting our lives. Its an interesting article that points to how we are letting terror into our lives and getting nervous everything 2 guys stand together checking their watches.

For some reason, reading this article made me wonder what that appropriate Christian response is to terrorism. Part of me says that no response is the appropriate one. We need show love and compassion in the world and not discriminate against people because of language, religion, or race. I think our job as Christians is to promote anti-terror responses that involve showing compassion to not only those who are frightened by the terrorists, but also for the terrorist themselves

Dumber then the smartest bear?

2006-08-18T12:51:00.000-07:00

I found this on Bruce Schneier's* blog today.

"There is considerable overlap between the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."

Man, that is an amazing quote! If you don't feel like reading the article, the gist is that parks are trying to bulid garbage cans that thwart bears, but tourists can actually use. It turning out to be a tricker problem then expected.

Some of the comments are great too!

* Note: Bruce Schneier is renowed security technologist and author of Applied Cryptography, Beyond Fear, and Secrets and Lies, among others.

What the...? part 2

2006-08-08T08:47:00.000-07:00

First The Holy Land Experience, now this!
What is the world coming to??

Interesting Article

2006-08-07T21:41:00.000-07:00

Newsweek this week has a great article about Billy Graham. I've always been sort of afraid of Graham finding him more akin to Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, but the article in Newsweek paints him in a very different light.
Check it out.

Blogging the bible

2006-08-03T14:22:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love Slate's "Blogging the Bible" feature. Its really well written and the author has lots of good things to say. Yesterday's entry was particularly thought provoking.

I assume the presence of the Tabernacle is what sanctifies the camp—right, Torah scholars? If so, how are Jews—scattered around the world, and with no surviving Temple or Tabernacle—supposed to create a sacred space today? Don't we now live in a world where everything is outside the camp?

This closing comment on Numbers chapter 15 touches on something that I struggle with. How is it we create a sacred space for us to meet with God. As a Christian, I have been taught that God is everywhere, but sometimes its nice to find a sacred space to meet with God.

An astonishing rebellion against Moses (and God). A Levite named Korah and a few sidekicks denounce Moses and Aaron: Moses has cut the people off from God and tried to hoard God's love for himself. The rebels declare: "For all the community are holy, all of them, and the Lord is in their midst. Why then do you raise yourself above the Lord's congregation?"

This may be the first recorded example of what has become the fundamental conflict in all religions: religious elite vs. the people. (See, for example, the pope vs. Martin Luther.) Korah asks an essential question: Why should the few priests and prophets monopolize God? What's so great about them that they control access to the divine? In the 3,500 years since, many religions have come down on Korah's side of this question, deciding that God belongs to the masses, not an anointed elite. But the Bible doesn't. It rules emphatically—smitingly—for Moses and Aaron, for the few rather than the many.

This is interesting. First off, I had no idea this was in the Bible. (Unfortunately I haven't read the whole bible thought I've always wanted to.) Secondly, I have always been taught that God is for the people not just for the religious elite. Is this something that changed because of Christ? That is something I have always thought was the case...

Thoughts?

Graduate School Warning Signs?

2006-08-02T08:58:00.000-07:00

Today, while reading See Jane Compute's book meme, she mentioned that she liked the book Ms. Mentor's Impeccable Advice for Women in Academia. Seeing as I wish to be a women in academia, I promptly went to Amazon to look at it. While reading the excerpt (which happens to be part of the chapter about graduate school) I ran across this passage:

If, as sometimes happens, graduate students:

Cannot bring themselves to do one more reading assignment - or
Cannot get out of bed to go to the library - or
Get nauseous from the small of the lab or thought of a rat - or
Spend hours or days or weeks in useless household chores, such as folding sheets or curtains, while avoiding academic work - or
Fuss and dither for months while never finding a dissertation topic that really grabs them ...

Those are all danger signs. Academia might not be for them, and dropping out can be the smartest thing to do. It is never a sign of failure.

This frightens me... This summer I have certainly had a hard time motivating myself to do real work. Certainly the first one applies to me... and probably the second (since most days its watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer with my friend that gets me out of bed, usually at early hours...)

Should I be thinking about quitting? And if not, how can I get my pre-qual motivation back and actually finish earning a PhD?

The concept of quitting my PhD scares me... I have no idea what I would do with my life if not become a professor. I joke with my boyfriend sometimes about quitting and going back to Intel and making the big bucks. Its not that I would hate it, but I dunno, it just feels wrong. But the pressure of academia scares me...

What if you had...?

2006-07-06T07:23:00.000-07:00

While on a long car ride I often have really good conversations either on the phone (if I have no passengers) or with my passengers. Well, my boyfriend and I were on a long car ride to go visit my family for the holiday weekend and we had some really great conversations.

One of my favorite things to do is to ask "What if you had ...?" type questions. You know, like the one high school guidance counselors ask to determine what you should do when you "grow up." My boyfriend is really fun to play this game with because he seems to have a suprisingly good handle on what he wants to do with his life. (He'll argue with me when he sees this, but oh well)

Anyway, the question of the weekend drive was an especially good one. I asked my boyfriend "If you had the the gift of healing with a single touch, what would your clinic be like?" We determined that I would run a free clinic attached to an organization that would help support the clinic and my financial needs and he would charge a small fee (to support the clinic and himself) but would never turn anyone away for inability to pay. Anyway, we kept talking about the question because it was particularly intersting. I pointed out that like the "if you had a million dollars" question, it still gets to the heart of how we should live our lives.

Each one of us is given gifts, whether its the ability to speak charismatically and prophetically or teach Computer Science or to heal with a single touch. No ability is greater then the others so our answers to "if you had the gift of ... " should not change when you replace "healing with a single touch" with your gifts.

So, on these lines I pondered "what is my free clinic?" I'm really gifted in computer stuff so my free clinc might be teaching computers skills to people who are unemployed so that they can add that skill to their resumes or perhaps volunteering at or starting something like Intel's Computer Clubhouse or even working with young girls and teaching them how cool computer science is. I'm excited to get out there and start my free clinic, but first I need to finish developing my skills so I can be effective!

super-professor or just me?

2006-06-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting in the bath tub tonight, reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell and I'm just loving it. I've been reading a lot of these sorts of books lately. You know, the types of books that someone tells you about their journey of faith. Anyway, Rob Bell talks in part of this book about owning other peoples stories as much as are own. Its a neat concept, and I don't always get it, being raised in an indivualistic society and being raise a bit of a selfish brat (its my story and thats their story and there is nothing in common). But today, I really felt like Rob's story is my own. He is talking about his breakdown between 2 worship services at his church Mars Hill (which is so big it owns a shopping mall and needs all the associated parking!) He realizes that he can't be "superpastor" anymore. For a moment I saw one of these break downs in my future... I'm constantly struggling with not being "super-grad student" partly because I was "super undergrad" (It almost killed me). But reading about Rob's breakdown I realized that that was going to be some day as I neglected my family (or the family i hope to have) to be one of the best young female professor Computer Science had ever seen. I sometimes feel like I have to do this or I'll have let everyone down (like my advisor, the admissions committee, my famliy, my department who so desperately wants "star" grad students). Othertimes I really feel like thats not what God is calling me to do... I don't think he is calling me to be famous, but he is calling me to a place where I can have an impact. A real impact on peoples lives and maybe even a surprising impact on my field.

I recently told someone I had no desire (or call) to be a clergy. They immediately said, at least not yet. I sort of feel bad typing this because God works in mysterious ways, but I really doubt that I will ever be called into full-time clergy-type ministry.* I think a big part of this conviction is because I have been give great skills at what I do, and a true passion for my field.

Anyway, enough rambling.

Tonight I realized that I don't have to be "Super" anything but super-me and its ok if super me isn't a super professor. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders

I say this with all those modifiers because I thing God calls all of us into ministry, its just not always in the form of a call the clergy

Direction

2006-06-27T20:55:00.000-07:00

Well, so I didn't update 5 days a week for the month of June, and I'm not crazy enough to promise it for the month of July either. I've really never been good at blogging, but alas.

Many of my previous posts have been about religion, which seems to be on my mind a lot more lately then ever before. I think its because I have a community of faith that nurtures my struggles more then ever (Thanks guys, you rock!). But this isn't going to be one of those posts.

Lately, work has been tough. The summer time is very different now that I'm a grad student versus being an undergrad. When I was an undergrad I spent my summers working real full time jobs. I had 4 summer internships, 1 at a museum and then other 3 at a major tech company. I loved my jobs. Sometimes looking back on them, I wonder what I'm doing here in grad school. The one thing that makes me do that more then ever is the ridiculously flexible schedule that I've established for myself. Most people would love to have the flexibility I have with when I work and where, but I'm finding that I spend to much time not taking my job seriously. My advisor wants me to prelim sometime in the fall semester, so I really need to get stuff done this summer. As a result my lack of motivation is a little nerve wrecking.

Today, I think I found the problem. I've been lacking direction. My research is a mishmash. I mean there are a few very real projects, but each is in a funny stage of not quite knowing what to do next, or how to do it. But this week has been one of breakthroughs and I finally of real stuff I need to do. I'm excited about what the rest of the week holds in a way I haven't been all summer. Hopefully I can keep up with the deluge of work this week is bringing!

Oh, and you should all check out the side bar. A cool feature of Google Reader is that I can add a little thing with my starred posts in it. Now you can figure out what exciting stuff I'm reading :-)

Anonymous Blogging

2006-06-14T14:25:00.000-07:00

One of my close friends has been bugging me about blogging pseudo-anonymously. This has really made me think about my descision to do this. On my previous blog, I certainly blogged anonymously, and several of my favorite blogs are anonymous. In fact, many academics choose to blog anonymously. Why is this? I'm not totally sure, but I think its strongly related to being able to speak your mind and not affect the sometimes very biased process of earning Tenure. Jane is able to fret about her mid-tenure review and FemaleCSGradStudent is able to complain about grad school with worrying about getting into trouble. It allows these bloggers to be more open and honest about what is going on in their lives. I think I can agree with that thinking. I want to be able to be honest without effecting my future. In the internet age, its more common for things like this to stick around. I just finished reading The Unwanted Gaze which talks about how privacy is changing in the digital age and touches on how the traces we leave in cyberspce paint an inaccurate picture of who we really are. For example if someone were to read my blog today, they might think that all I ever think about is religion which isn't really true.

On the other hand, I'm sort of excited to get involved in the Methodist Blogosphere and the Emergent Blogsphere where pseudonymity is frowned upon. This is because it often looks like people are hiding behind a pseudonym (which they are) and therefore don't have much credibility. Then again, who am I to say that gavin really is who he says he is... because on the internet, no one knows you're a dog*

If Dad were to read this post, he might say, "well, don't post about things that might get you in trouble." I certainly don't intend to do this, but you never really know what might come back and haunt you.

Anyway, for now I think I'm going to stick to a pseudonym, but I'm probably going to constantly re-evaluate that choose. Until then, I'm just going to have to work on building credibility for myself in cyberspace.

*I actually do believe that people are who they say they are, but I also don't think using a psuedonym makes you necessarily less credible. Then again I usually give people the benefit of the doubt.

Same-Sex Marriage

2006-06-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

While reading my bloglines this morning, saw that John the Methodist had posted this weeks Methodist Blog Weekly Roundup. One of the "Best of Methodist blogosphere" was a post about how same-sex marriage might affect straight people. The post was eloquent and very well written and everyone should read it. This is my favorite quote from the whole post:

I would argue that yes, the rights of GLBT people should trump religious liberty. My religious liberty should extend only so far as I don't infringe on the rights of others, and denying GLBT people and same-sex couples the same rights and responsibilities straight couples enjoy does infringe on their rights. It does hurt their families in very real ways that are much more significant and tangible then "the state is stopping me from practicing my religion." Kids being ripped from homes, families being torn apart, loved ones being denied access to each other in times of crises; surely these are all far greater ills then "my church can't get a license to be an adoption agency because we thing same-sex relationships are wrong."

I would also add that current laws against same-sex marriage also deny some individuals religious liberty. A same-sex couple whose faith allows for same-sex relationships but only allows for sexual conduct within the confines of marriage is being denied their religious liberty if they aren't allowed to get married. So whose religious liberty wins out? Mine or yours?

I wish I had more to say about it then "Amen" but unfortunatly thats all I've got at this hour.

Poke The Bishop

2006-06-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

Sorry that I have already fallen short of my goal. I hope this week I can keep up with it.

I was at annual conference this weekend for my church. It was... interesting and there will probably be several subsequent posts about it, because I really left an impression on me (though not an entirely good one). Anyway, in order to keep ourselves entertained some friends and I created a new game, called "Poke the Bishop." Essentially, its a game in which you get points for poking the bishop, either physically or verbally. Scoring is as follows:

1 point for verbally poking the bishop
5 points for actually poking the bishop
+2 points if you say poke while poking the bishop
+1 points if you get a picture while poking the bishop

This point system can, naturally, be adjusted to suit your needs. Oh, and you lose points if you poke the bishop during a worship service :-)

Anyway, hopefully you can also use this game to entertain yourself during conference. Pay attention to what is said on the conference score because people can play without even knowing it ;-)

The winner of our game won with 4 points :-)

A pseudopost

2006-06-08T22:51:00.000-07:00

I know that I didn't post yesterday, and I'm not really going to post today. I'm gone for the weekend, and I hope to be able to post the rest of the time I'm gone.

Something to expect: Why I choose to blog anoymously, but I really need to sit down and concentrate on that post since its something I struggle with a little bit.

Andrew Jones as some a post that almost made me totally rethink my blogging every weekday in June.

Just under the wire

2006-06-06T21:52:00.000-07:00

I'm really not entirely sure what to post about today. I've had a lot on my mind, but I'm not really ready to turn it into a blog post.

We hard our first installment of the Revelation study today. We mostly talked about apocalyptic literature, and by we, I mean I... I sort of slipped into professor mode, but I really wanted to cover a lot today. It went alright, but I'm looking forward to jumping into Revelation and seeing how each of our different attitudes and life experiences translate into trying to understand what Revelation is really all about. One of the guys in my study tonight told me he wasn't sure about coming this summer because he wasn't sure how Revelation applied today, since, we aren't really oppressed. So another guy recommended that we all try to talk to people who are oppressed to understand what its like. We are also all going to try to bring in stories of oppressed Christians so we get a better idea of the audience for whom Revelation is intended. Anyway, it should be a good study.

In other news, The Slate has a weekly poem. I usually skip it, but this one caught my attention.

I Realized I Was Happy and It Scared Me by Rich Ives

Something had to have been here before me
for here to be here, so sometimes
I say I'd like a little silence,

to see if I can discover what it was,
but what I really want is quiet, in which
you hear just a few things

better, which is not silence,
in which you hear one thing
Again and again and again

and it's not even there.

It's still Monday somewhere

2006-06-05T22:05:00.000-07:00

Well, going to see The DaVinci Code got in the way of my actual blogging on Monday, but I haven't yet gone to sleep so I say this post still counts as my Monday post.

whilst reading the news/ blogs today, I didn't run across anything that I really felt like blogging about, so I'm going to pull out a topic that I've wanted to talk about for as long as I've had this particular blog(so not very long...)

A while ago, I attended a talk in our department about Women in Computer Science. We occasionally have speakers come in and give talks about this sort of thing and they all say the same thing, that women are different then men and then they go into some pipe dream of how to solve the problem. This particular speaker mentioned something known as the imposter syndrome. I hadn't ever heard of it before this talk. Essentially, its a common personality trait in which people think the things they accomplish happen by shear luck. They feel like they are an imposter in their success, only waiting to be figured out.

Today, while having dinner with the boyfriend, we were talking about Christian t-shirts and he mentioned that he wanted one with Micah 6:8 on it.

He has told you, O mortal, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?

Of these things, I find walking humbly with God to be the hardest... As one who possesses the imposter syndrome personality trait, it's easy to say that I'm not good enough, and I am un-worthy of my success thus far in life (my parents keep telling me I'm successful...). This sort of attitude is easily confused with humility. But in some ways, it just as conceited as being conceited. It forgets one of the most important parts of humility which is recognizing that what you have is from God, all your good traits and you bad. If you focus to much on not being good enough, you are not remembering that God has given you talents and skills, and that is the reason for your success, and you are worthy of it, because God says you are!

Next time I worry about my advisor "finding me out" perhaps I will look to Micah for inspiration.

Convergence

2006-06-04T06:40:00.000-07:00

I woke up early-ish this morning to meet the boyfriend at church, but on further inspection decided it was silly to go as he was going to be running around like a crazy person and able to sit with me, and seeing as I'm not to keen on his church anyway I decided to stay home. (Don't fret, I'm off to my church later) Anyway, this being up early and not having anywhere to go for a few hours left me sometime to poke around and read some blogs.

Recently, I ran across the Emerging Women blog. This blog was born following a gathering in Indianapolis called Emergent Women's Re-Gathering. I was sort of surprised that such a blog and event existed or even needed to exist. I never imagined Emergent would have the same problems we face in Computer Science. But, reading this post caused a strange deja vu experience for me.

At the Emergent Women'’s Re-Gathering, I listened to story after story of rejection, exclusion, abuse, dismissal, and pinch-her-cheeks-"isn't-it-cute-when-girls-try-to-think?" experiences.

That sounds exactly like something I would hear at Grace Hopper Conference for Women in Computing.

It's strange to think that a group of accepting, forward thinking Christians would have this sort of problem. In Computer Science, we are quick to chalk it up to problems with "the kind of guy that likes CS unfortunatelytly, we all know this is unfair, but its an easy scape goat. In reality, CS is an "old boys club" for mostly historical reason that cause girls not to even consider it as a career path. Is pastoring an "old boys club"? I don't really know. But what is causing the emergent community (those involved in conversation) to go down this same route? I speculate that the problem is in the conversation style. I hear many women complain about their voice not being heard in meeting with advisors and colleagues, or that they are always interrupted, or that they aren't given credit for ideas because someone else hears them and repeats it, etc. Is this happening at emergent gatherings, or is it just as Sarah Notton's post suggests, women are being shut out because they are care takers are simply can't be attend events? I'm always a little wary of "the mommy track" because it singles out a specific group of people as being worthy of "special consideration." Sometimes its needed to get the ball rolling, but its definitely not the solution to all the problems of women in communities dominiated by men (and excitable men at that ;-) )

Well, that was a little train of thought, but I think I said everything I needed to.

Blog goal

2006-06-02T15:38:00.000-07:00

So, I have decided this month I am going to update my blog every week day all month. I'm pretty bad about blogging/ journaling and I'm hoping this goal will force me to think about my blog as a place that I can talk about stuff (even though my readership is tiny...)

Now, I suppose it doesn't count for this to be all I blog today. So, here is a little about what I'm reading.

I've been feeling a little lonely lately, since summer started and too many people have disappeared (or are going to disappear). One thing that I used to do to deal with sitting home and doing nothing is read. My first summer away at an internship I read like 20 books in 13 weeks. That's when I started my library ;-) I used to love coming home from work, making dinner (it was low carb back then) and then having tea or hot cocoa and reading while listening to some John Williams on my stereo. As my social schedule grew more hectic, my reading fell to the wayside, so the following summer not much reading got done. And then I went to grad school and, like high school, I had to do so much reading during the day it didn't feel relaxing at night... Anyway... Last night I decided I was going to start reading again. I picked up a book I've had for a little while called Sammy's Hill, a funny little book by none other then Al Gore's Daughter Kristen Gore who as written episodes of both Futurama and The Simpsons. Its pretty much chick lit (at least according to SAF... She was surprised when I bought it a while back>, but its a fun read. Then, in the mail today, came a new book that I'm going to have to give some time to called How to Read the Bible for All Its Worth which will hopefully be fun and informational for the novice that I am so you can expect to hear more about that.

Well, now to fulfill my other summer goal: DDR everyday, unless I mow the lawn!

My Emergent Theme Song

2006-06-01T09:18:00.000-07:00

"Secret of an Easy Yoke" -- Perdo the Lion
i could hear the church bells ringing
they pealed aloud your praise
the member's faces were smiling
with their hands outstretched to shake
it's true they did not move me
my heart was hard and tired
their perfect fire annoyed me
i could not find you anywhere
could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all

the devoted were wearing bracelets
to remind them why they came
some concrete motivation
when the abstract could not do the same
but if all that's left is duty, i'm falling on my sword
at least then, i would not serve an unseen distant lord

could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all
if this only a test
i hope that i'm passing, cuz i'm losing steam
but i still want to trust you

peace be still (x3)

Pedro the Lion is one of my new favorite bands. They are one of these bands that has lyrics that just grab you and really touch you. "Secret of an Easy Yoke" is an example of such a song for me. It is in some ways a very harsh song, but the point it makes is really important. Are we, as Christians, just play acting that part? Do we go to our worship service and are never moved? Many days I can't help but to ask if the spirit is moving in me, instead of the better question: How will the spirit move in me today?

This also reminds me of a discussion we had at a recent worship service. We were talking about grace. Discussions of grace always remind me that God doesn't love us because of how we act and the rules we follow or how we worship or the liturgy we use. He loves us because he loves us, like a parent loves a child. And the way we act as Christians is not about earning his love, but about shining his love into the world. Our lives should be like tiny candles shining into the darkness reminding others that God loves them too! And we can do this because His grace transforms us, whether it is slowly over time or quickly.

Two post in 1 day... crazy!

2006-05-05T06:57:00.000-07:00

From this article:

Americans have long been driven by two deep longings. The first is to be left alone. The second is to tell other people what to do. On most moral issues—abortion, porn, video games, alcohol, tobacco, guns—the easiest way out is to inflict our piety on minors. All the righteous satisfaction, none of the libertarian backlash. Great taste, less filling.

Amazing, that is all.

What the... ?

2006-05-05T06:28:00.000-07:00

So, today, while checking my blogs I came across this post on Tinley's religious blog. Apparently, there is a religiously themed amusement park known as The Holy Land Experience. I remember hearing about Pat Robertson's amusement park in the Holy Land and it made my head hurt lots. I don't know why this one is different, but I sort of want to go... I think its like watching a train wreck, its horrible, but you can't help but to watch...

Conference Recap

2006-04-27T21:53:00.000-07:00

I just got back from "across the pond" for a conference. The conference itself was amazing. There were a very small number of participants making networking a little easier. In particular, I really connected with a corporate guy (from a company I previously worked for) who seemed interested in my research and may offer an opportunity for good collaboration.

While at the conference, I actually wrote a blog post in my note book during a talk that I wasn't terribly interested in. I would have posted it directly, but I had no internet, which was quite frustrating as I would have liked to be able to talk to a few people back home during the week but anyway, that besides the point.

After my session in which I gave my presentation, one of the other presenters in the section came up and asked me why I created a formal model of my system. My immediate, and somewhat snide, response was to say "Because my advisor told me too." The conference chair happened to be standing there and looked at me frowning and said "Well, that's a very bad answer." Realizing he had a point, I took a moment a really thought about it.

Why, in Computer Science, do we define formal mathematical models for systems, beyond of course, making the system "publishable"? Why do our advisors insist on this practice?

It makes it easier to repeat your work. This is a fundamental feature of scholarly works in other sciences, but isn't always prominent in computer science.
You can now prove things about your system. This is great fun! Try it sometime
Now comparisons between other systems can be mathematically proven. This is related to the previous point, but focuses on the other system. Most common, you prove equivalences.

I think its because of those 3 reasons (and probably many others) that our papers become more publishable when they have formal models. The formal models increase the academic value of the work. That must be why our advisors keep telling us to make them...

And one last recap of the conference. I hate it when a student gives a presentation and their advisor answers all the questions from the floor instead of letting their student shine. This happened at the conference. I hope it wasn't because this particular student of his was female...

Puzzle Video Games

2006-04-10T14:38:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago Josh Tinley posted a handful of Friday readings. One of the articles he mentioned was concerning video games.

Give Grumpy Gamers What They Want is a cute little article concerning where video games are and aren't going. Now for why I'm mentioning it. The fourth point in the article concern's puzzle games, you know, "the sort of games where you wander all over and have to get the loaf of Pinochle Bread from the Demon Baker so that you can combine it with the Fedora of Unnatural Attraction to create the Yeast Golem to give to the Wicked Witch of the Financial Aid Office so she'll let you over the Bridge of Internal Suffering. " There are very few games of this sort anymore as the article mention. This makes me sad for a variety of reasons, partially because I'm a huge fan of those sorts of games ( Kings Quest is one of my favorite video game series of all time) but the more interestingly, in general, these are the sorts of video games that attract female gamers (as opposed to the classic I want to shot my friends sort of games).

I think there should be more puzzle games. I think that game manufactures should make them and market them correctly. One of the biggest things that draws people into computer science is video games. Many a talk concerning women in computer science brings up the point that guys play more video games and as a result, are more comfortable with computers and more likely to learn to program because they too want to write video games. I think one long term plan to aid women in technology involves making video games that girls want to play. And, even better, this would help game companies too because it’s a good growth sector. (There was an article about this in July 2005:
Programmers: Video Games Need a Woman's Touch)

If more girls played games, more girls would enter computer science which would be better for the entire field.

United 93

2006-04-07T09:43:00.000-07:00

Every day when I arrive at my office I start by reading the news. Some days I spend over an hour engrossed in what's going on in the world and on all the blogs I read (though comparably, my blog roll is pretty short…). Sometimes, I read a story that just merits a blog post, that I can't wait to write (other days, the link ends up in a document and may never get written about…) Today was one of those days.

The Slate is probably my favorite web-zine. I read most of it every. Today, one of the "headline" stories caught my eye:
Should the trailer for United 93 be banned? consists of a conversation about the trailer for a new movie concerning the events of 9/11. In the article, we see several Slate writers discussing this trailer. The trailer is incredible. It makes me want to go see the movie. But it also makes me wonder if America is ready for such a movie. It also begs the question of whether I'm ready for such a movie. Like many people I remember exactly where I was when I found out about the attacks. I remember the questions and thoughts that went through my head, but even more vivid then that is the numbness I felt in the time following the events of 9/11. I think its that memory of numbness that makes me ready for such a movie. I think I'm ready to see what happened that day, to immerse myself in the flood of emotions the events themselves should have evoked but didn't partly because I was living states away and partly because of my own political discontentment.

I think the US is ready for such and movie and shouldn't shy away from it even if its hard. Hopefully, the movie will allow us to look back on the events and learn the lessons that we should of learned but didn't, or maybe it will be like what the authors of the article suggest and provide us some closure for the events because it gives us a chance to see the hero's emerge in ways we could never fathom.

Happy Study

2006-03-05T21:35:00.000-08:00

As mentioned in a previous post, when I arrived at Grad School I was almost immediately invited to join a Christian group on campus, but it didn’t really work for me. As a result I decided to fill my need for a community by approaching the pastor at my church about starting a study for graduate students. The intent was to focus on reading religious books and seeing how they relate to our lives and our journeys. We started with 3 people and a book called Jewish Sprituality: A brief introduction for Christians, because I’m intrigued by other religions. We shortly added 1 more to our numbers, then 2, and now, there are 13 people that regularly attend the study! We’ve got a great group! It makes me excited to see a community of believers bounding together, learning together and sharing fellowship. Another reason I’m excited about the success of this study is a shift we have been experiencing in the Church. The student group associated with the Church has become overwhelmingly dominated by underclassmen. This is not an all together bad thing, but its a HUGE shift from previous years. As a result, several of the grad students felt they weren’t connecting with the student lead service and nearly left, myself included. I think, in some ways, were it not for the Grad Study we may have lost many of the grad students. Luckily, it seems to have had the opposite effect, drawing people in, and creating a group of older Christians that can help and challenge the younger students in the Church.

Bible study nights always make me happy. They remind of why I am still a member of my Church and I haven’t gone searching for a new one. And seeing everyone from the study meld and form a community of faith makes me happy too!

The only thing that makes me happier is when I hear from other people in the study how much it means to them. Over the past few weeks a few people have told me how much they love it.

Fitting In

2006-02-14T23:11:00.000-08:00

My whole life I have struggled to “fit in.” I tend to be a wall flower at parties larger then 10-15 people, and I hate being the center of attention. I strive to fit in, to be not be noticed, to fade into the back ground, but yet I find myself in areas that I stick out, either because I excel, or because I’m different. I know that this isn’t an all together bad thing, in order to succeed at my life goals, I need to stick out, I need to be noticed.

I struggle with “fitting in” especially in religious circles. In High School, I was in a group where, as I got older and more mature, I felt I no longer fit in. I challenged the long held beliefs of the adults in the group and eventually left for fear of being condemned. I went to college and never found a fait community. I tried joining a church, and I went a few times, and even enjoyed it, but never meshed or connected, partly because my plate was too full. Yet at the same time, I felt something was missing from my life. I still talked about religion and God and still thought of myself as a Christian, but I felt I didn’t need to be part of a community of faith. I had people I would go to when I was struggling or felt the need to be challenged. As I got older, I found religion becoming a common topic of conversation among my friends and I, even, my non-Christian friends. I found that I was most challenged by them. Was it bad that that was my community of faith? I don’t necessarily think so, I was challenged and grew in my faith, but I realize that I didn’t do any challenging of other people’s faith, or bring them closer to God. So, I began again to feel like I didn’t fit in the Christian community, especially on focused on “evangelizing.” I wonder how I could possibly bring someone to know God when I struggled so much in knowing him. Through these struggles, I solidified a faith that made me fit in even less in the Christian community.

When I got to Grad School, I was almost immediately approached by a fellow student, who upon noticing that I wore a cross, invited me to be part of a Christian graduate student group. I hesitated, say “I don’t really like talking about religion.” But she kept pushing me and eventually, I ended the conversation, somewhat red in the face saying “Look, can’t we just agree to disagree?!?” I felt again that I didn’t fit in the Christian community. Then another friend convinced me to join a study associated with the same group. I joined the study, and I was assigned a prayer partner, who happened to be the leader of the study. She asked me what I needed prayers for and I said “understanding.” She pressed me at our first “prayer meeting” about what I wanted understanding about and I presented her with some of my beliefs that I developed over the years I was disconnected from a church. I was informed by her that I should be careful about what I say during the bible study. Naturally, I was annoyed, somewhat offended, but for some reason, I kept going back to the study, wanting to learn and be challenged by people who don’t hold the same beliefs as I do. I continued with the study for a year and rather enjoyed it, but still felt I was on the outside. Around the same time, I went in search for a church home, feeling mostly that I needed a place to make friends. I stumbled in my Church because I was able to play in the band, and I eventually got connected with the student groups (that is a topic for another day). Inside of my Church, I meet people who challenged me and then introduced me (a few years later) to a movement in the church called Emergent. I’m still learning about it, and I will probably post a lot about it, but I’m starting to feel that I have found a place I fit it…

2006-02-14T09:10:00.000-08:00

I hate valentine's day, I try to ignore it at all costs, but when I saw this, I couldn't help but to post this.